Zoe Rivas: Washed up teen star
by mrk1023
Summary: This story is about Zoe's self-harm story line during season 2 of Degrassi: Next Class. It will be based off of some things they showed and other parts I am making up, like her continuing to self-harm also in S3.
1. Chapter 1

Zoe Rivas

This story is about Zoe's self-harm story line during season 2 of Degrassi: Next Class. It will be based off of some things they showed and other parts I am making up, like her continuing to self-harm also in S3.

POV: Zoe

The first time I hurt myself was the summer after I kissed Grace. I had feelings for a girl and this had never happened before. I had to punish myself for still liking Grace, so I burned myself. She didn't text me for the rest of the summer so I hooked up with Miles. I was supposed to want to have sex with guys, so that's what I did. It got hard to pretend when I was dating Winston because I wasn't attracted to him but I was supposed to like him. At first it was an accident with my curling iron, and then I kissed Esme and then everything felt complicated. That makes 2 girls I had crushed on. Miles saw the burn on my wrist and told me that I should be honest about who I am. So next I put my wrist over a candle and posted a picture of it on Hasty Gram. The next day Tristan told me he saw the post and that I was lying to myself about being gay. But no one understood me, and feeling physical pain was something I could do to punish myself for liking girls. Winston broke up with me so I cut smiley faces into my thigh and Grace saw me taking a picture of it.

"Zoe, are you hurting yourself? Show me your leg!" "Grace its not a big deal lots of people do it" I answered. She told me she was there for me and that I should talk to our school counselor about it.

Now it's senior year and my mom doesn't accept me. I am alone except for Grace, who let me move in with her. When I told her I'm upset my mom kicked me out, she was worried about me hurting myself again. The past few months I've continued to cope this way. Ive been wearing long sleeves to hide the cuts on my wrists. Luckily its getting colder so no one really suspects anything. Yesterday I was changing in the locker room for gym class. Our uniforms are shorts and t-shirts so usually I cover up my scars with makeup. Perks of being an actress on a tv show, the makeup artists gave me tips on how to apply makeup for full coverage. That was back when I popped pills to cope. I like cutting better, and most of the time its fine but Frankie and I have gym together and she saw the scars on my leg while I was changing and when she asked if I was okay I mumbled something about tripping and scratching myself on accident. We were playing volleyball and Lola and Frankie were my partners. Some of the makeup I was wearing sweat off and they both saw my wrist when I passed the volleyball. I saw them glance at each other before I ran to the bathroom.

I got out the blade I keep in my back pack and made a cut on my right thigh. I rinsed it off and put a band aid on it. They both came in a couple seconds later and Frankie asked if I was okay. I said "yeah I just had to pee" and then Lola said "then why do you have blood on your hand?" Shit I guess I was trying to clean up so fast that I wasn't careful enough. "oh I was changing my tampon I guess I'm just messy haha" I tried to come up with a good excuse. Lola reached out and touched my arm. "Zo, we saw your cuts. You don't deserve that." I couldn't break down here, in the middle of the school day, in front of them. we weren't even good friends. I had convinced people I stopped hurting myself. I don't post pictures much on Hasty Gram because I've been depressed and all of my old friends don't like me anymore. That reminds me, I miss Tristan. Even Miles and Winston.

I asked Frankie "does Miles hate me?"

She shook her head and looked at me sadly. "not at all, and I think he's worried about you. the other day he asked if I had noticed anything different about you"

"but why would he even care about me"

"Maybe because you used to date?"

"Lots of people care about you." Lola said. I started to protest "Who?"

"Us" they said at the same time.

"Miles, Tristan, Winston, Grace, probably even Hunter." Frankie listed. "And we're here for you." They each took one of my hands and squeezed it. I smiled back at them.

For the first time in months I felt like things would be better.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Zoe's POV

I haven't cut myself in 2 weeks, ever since becoming friends with Frankie and Lola. I've been eating lunch with them and Shay, and today we all went over to the Hollingsworth mansion after school. Winston and Miles were hanging out in Miles' room, and Hunter had Vijay and Baaz over. Frankie led us into her bedroom and we all sat on her bed. They started talking about who they like.

"That new kid Saad is pretty cute" Lola said.

"Not as cute as Tiny" Shay said.

"You're both wrong, Jonah is the hottest." Frankie said. "What do you think, Zo?"

"Uhh…" I had stayed silent until this point, listening to everyone else talk about guys. They were all looking at me, waiting for me to continue. "Well, there's this new student I kinda like…"

"Who?" They all asked at once.

I hesitated because I hadn't told them I'm lesbian and I was scared how they react.

Just then Miles came in and said he ordered pizza for everyone. We all went downstairs, got a couple pieces and went back into Frankie's room. I took a bite of my pizza and then Lola reminded me what we had been talking about before. "So, Zoe?"

"Oh right, um do you guys know Rasha?"

"Oh yeah, she seems nice!" Shay responded.

I nodded and replied, "She is," wondering if they understood that I was saying I have a crush on her.

"So have you two hung out together?" Frankie asked.

"We went to the Dot last week but I don't know if we're on the same page…" I trailed off.

Lola said, "Does she know you like her?"

"I mean, she might think we're just friends but I asked her if she wanted to go to a movie with me next weekend."

Shay said, "Hey, maybe if Tiny and I tag along she would realize it's a double date?"

"Yeah that's a good idea, plus it will probably be easier with more than just the two of us alone. To be honest, I've never been on a date with a girl and every date I've been on with a guy ended with us hooking up so… I just want things to be different with Rasha. I really like her."

Then Frankie said, "Aww Zo, I think she'll like you too! She'd be crazy not to." We smiled at each other then Lola and Shay smiled at me too.

"Thanks for inviting me over, this is the most fun I've had all year. Wow, that made me sound so lame" I laughed

"Nah, you've just been hanging out with the wrong people!" Lola said.

"I love you guys!" I said, then we all leaned in and hugged each other.


	3. Chapter 3

I asked Rasha the next day if it was okay if Shay and Tiny could go to the movie with us on Friday. She smiled and replied, "Of course that's okay, Zoe! I'm just excited to hang out with you." Then she reached out and put her hand on my arm. I smiled back at her and we walked to class together.

On Friday, I texted her, "Can't wait for tonight! :)" She responded a minute later "Ditto!"

The 4 of us met at the movie theater in the mall at around 6. We bought popcorn and drinks and then I sat between Rasha and Shay. Tiny sat on the other side of Shay. At some point during the movie, I tried to hold Rasha's hand, but right when I moved my hand over, she grabbed some popcorn and then I felt awkward. Then when the movie ended, Tiny drove Shay home so I gave her a hug goodbye and said I'd text her later. Rasha and I were waiting for our rides, and when she was about to leave, I leaned in to kiss her. She backed up quickly, and said "Uhh, I'll see you in school on Monday, bye Zoe" before rushing away.

I was shocked. She told me she was excited for our date, and at school she usually seems like she likes me. But then she rejected me. When I got home I went into my bathroom and broke down. I slid my back down the wall until I was sitting and cried for a couple minutes. Then I took a deep breath and got out my razor blade. I hadn't used it in almost 3 weeks but I had to. I pulled up my sleeve and cut my arm.

 _1 cut for trying to kiss Rasha_

 _another for thinking she would like me back_

 _this one's for being gay_

 _another for not being good enough for anyone_

 _and 1 more for losing everyone I care about_

I turned on the sink and rinsed off my arm. I winced as the water cleaned my new cuts. I sighed as I got out a band-aid from my cabinet, a routine that had been so familiar. I took off my makeup and changed into pajamas. I climbed into bed and texted Shay.

Me: _Hey_

Shay: _Hi! How do u think it went with Rasha?_

Me: _Not great, she doesn't like me_

Shay: _What do you mean? She seemed like she was flirting with you before the movie started_

Me: _Nope, I was wrong_

I wiped a tear off my cheek that I realized had fallen, then opened HastyGram. As I scrolled through my feed, I liked a pic Shay posted of her and Tiny, a selfie Frankie posted, and a throwback picture of Lola when her hair was pink. I smiled a little because I'm so glad that my new friends are happy. But then I thought about me. Everything in my life is so messed up. I don't know where my dad is, my mom hates me for being gay, and my old friends turned on me. I haven't been doing great in school and I cut again tonight. God, I'm such a screw-up.

I took a picture of my nails, but I made sure my scars and band-aids were visible. I posted it with the hashtag "manicure" and the nail polish emoji. My followers started liking it after a few seconds, then I read a comment that said "Stay strong beautiful" I shook my head and replied, "I'm not strong." They replied, "You are amazing!" I smiled, liked their comment, then closed my eyes and quickly drifted off to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

(No POV)

The rest of Zoe's weekend went by pretty slowly. She slept in on Saturday and hung out at her house with Grace. On Sunday, she went to the gym to work out and then did homework.

She woke up on Monday morning to the sound of her alarm. She rolled over and turned it off. She sighed and got out of bed. She wasn't in the mood to spend a lot of time getting ready. She washed her face and brushed her teeth before walking to the closet. She put on a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved shirt with her black converse. She put on a little mascara and blush, hoping it would make her look less tired. She grabbed her backpack and a granola bar before running out to the car. Grace drove her to school, and she walked to her locker.

She pushed her sleeves up before getting her books out of her locker for first period.

"Zoe" someone said, making her look over.

"Oh, hi Rasha." Then she continued putting some stuff in her locker.

Rasha asked "are you okay?" with a hint of concern in her voice.

"Well, you don't like me back and none of my friends are talking to me but other than that, yeah I'm great." Zoe replied in a harsh tone.

Rasha grabbed her hand and turned her arm over. She looked the band-aids on Zoe's arm. Her eyes travelled down to her wrist as she saw all the scars. Zoe didn't have the energy to cover them up or come up with an excuse.

"You hurt yourself because of me?"

Even though Zoe was upset, she didn't want to hurt Rasha's feelings. She still cared about her so she wasn't honest.

"No, it wasn't your fault, I just felt like everyone hated me. I'm alone, no one cares about me…"

Rasha cut her off. "I do care about you Zoe."

"But you don't have feelings for me."

"I like you Zoe. I didn't want to kiss you in front of Goldi's parents. They don't know I'm gay and I just can't risk them not accepting me."

"Wait so you do like me back?"

Rasha leaned in and kissed Zoe. "Does that answer your question?"

Author's note: did anyone notice how I used the line Miles said to Esme in Season 1? I thought it would be a cool parallel!


End file.
